In the hot dessert sun
We lost our way
All looked hopeless
Couldn’t go another day

The buzzards circling
A coyote lurking by
All patiently waiting
For someone to die

Got on my knees
Prayed for my old friend
Sick and exhausted
His journey coming to an end

Oh lord above
Our lives in your hands
I guess things never went
The way that we planned
Choose heaven or hell
Take my last breath
‘Cause I won’t let this man go alone

Felt fingers through my hair
Water on my lips
A gentle voice whispered
“Just take a few sips”

I couldn’t see a face
Just shadows in the sun
“It isn’t your time”
“We’ve only come for one”

Oh lord above
Our lives in your hands
I guess things never went
The way that we planned
Choose heaven or hell
Take my last breath
‘Cause I won’t let this man go alone

I watched my old friend
Rise up and smile
Angels by his side
A vision pure of guile

Could have been the heat
My state of confusion
A miracle
Or perhaps an illusion

… It doesn’t matter

Goodbye my friend
…. You’re going home
You’re in good hands
…. You’re not alone

It’s hard to explain how it feels to watch a loved one battle a terminal illness. It may be one of the most helpless feelings you can ever experience. There’s no doubt as we get older and deal with death more often, we begin to question our own mortality as well. We watch as our childhood heroes disappear one by one and the people we had crushes on as kids begin to look like our grandparents… remember how hot Ginger and Mary-Ann were? As friends all around us are diagnosed with any number of ailments and our parents begin to age and eventually leave us, you can’t help but wonder how life could have, and perhaps should have been different for them.

The newer generations may take some criticism for running up debts and wanting everything now, but in all fairness; very few of us have watched our parents enjoy retirement like it’s portrayed in insurance ads. I think most of us realize that retirement will likely be a question of survival and not recreation as we find ourselves preparing for it a second or third time. As relationships fail, plants close, opportunities are shifted outside the country, and life continues to surprise us, I don’t think anyone can confidently predict their future. I remember when employers use to ask you where you see yourself in five years; now they just give you an aptitude test to see if you can even survive that long.

I wrote “My Old Friend” about my dad during his last days, as it was becoming more evident that he was about to lose his battle with cancer. It was a hopeless situation and there was nothing we could do but comfort him and pray. It was a strange time indeed and I felt helpless and extremely concerned for him. I wasn’t worried that he would die, I had already come to grips with that, but that he seemed so unprepared for his next journey. I desperately begged God for an opportunity to go with him so we could deal with his death together. I’ve always felt like I have a special connection with the energies around me and gifted with the ability to understand them, at least better than my dad did anyways; I just didn’t want him to deal with all that was happening alone.

I know better of course, as none of us have the right to decide when our time is up; I believe those who force the issue pay a terrible price later on. At the time however, it seemed like such a logical thought to me and I really had no concern with leaving this lifetime early. My argument was that I’ve had a great life with very few regrets and no complaints: other than my kids and mother, most would just think it was a tragic loss and move on as we do with any death.

My dad and I in the spring of 1969

I know my thoughts seem irrational to most, but I’m convinced they didn’t go unnoticed. As in so many other times in my life when I’ve made a sincere request, I had an overwhelming feeling of assurance. A few nights before my dad died when I was tossing and turning as I typically do, I suddenly found myself lying still and listening to the silence. My thoughts became vivid and precise, suddenly I knew it wasn’t my time and not to be concerned any longer… he was in good hands. I had a sincere sense of relief and it honestly felt like I was being encouraged to be at ease and get some sleep. All I could do the next day was what I always do when I’ve encountered such an experience… just trust it. I was no longer worried or concerned as I strongly believed my dad’s fate would be dealt with fairly and he was no longer alone.

I kissed my dad’s forehead when he finally passed, wished him the best of luck, and was grateful for the assurance. I still miss my dad of course, but I’m happy for him and thankful his pain has ended… I look forward to seeing him again some day.