Clouds drift by
Each one so strange
Making faces
I watch as they change
It’s like they’re staring back at me

Animals
A few Greek gods
A chariot
Two rams at odds
They all take a second; they’re staring back at me

Moments of silence
Self reflection
Memories
I’ve quite a collection
Right now I just wish life could be this easy

Caught in a trance
The stars begin to glow
The moon smiles at me
It’s as if he knows
I wait for him to ask what’s bothering me

I’ve smelled the finest coffee
Ate the sweetest fruit
Played chess with Satan
Fooled the astute
Smiled at all considered smarter than me

Slept with wolves
Swam with sharks
Stared down wild dogs
Silenced their barks
Took pleasure in all who underestimated me

Moments of silence
Self reflection
Memories
I’ve quite a collection
Right now I just wish life could be this easy

Caught in a trance
The stars begin to glow
The moon smiles at me
It’s as if he knows
He wants to ask what’s bothering me

The moon finally inquires
What’s on my mind?
I know he means well
Just being kind

But there’s nothing he can do for me
…. Tempted to answer
But there’s nothing even he can do for me

I think most of us are aware in one way or another when our health is declining. There are a multitude of subtle signs that alert us when something just isn’t right, as well as our own instincts cautioning us that life is about to change. Some people pay attention to every ache and pain, while others ignore them and hope they’ll just go away at some point; I was the latter. For several months I could tell there was something off with me, I just didn’t know to what extent. As the warning signs became more frequent and less subtle, I realized whatever was wrong with me wasn’t going to fix itself, and there was a real possibility I had the same cancer responsible for taking my father’s life. The odd thing about it was… I wasn’t concerned whether or not I had cancer; it was whether or not I wanted to do anything about it.

I sat on my balcony one night just staring out into the sky and thought about all the people I’ve known who have succumbed to cancer, many going through hell trying to get an extra few years, months, or even weeks of life. I tried intently to evaluate all the pros and cons of going through the entire process myself. I thought of how I watched my father become so humbled and reduced to a skeleton of man before my very eyes, relying on others to help him with the simplest of functions. He was probably the strongest and proudest man I’ve ever known, yet even he was no match for this dreadful disease.

As the sun began to disappear I started reflecting on my life; all the people I’ve met, people I knew, good times I’ve had, places I’ve been to, and experiences I’ve encountered. I thought about all the times I’ve beaten the odds, managed challenges, and stood by my principles when others may have wavered. I came to the conclusion that I was proud of who I was, and if death was probable or even inevitable, then I’ve had a good life with very few regrets and absolutely no complaints; I was ready to accept my fate. It was immediately after that when I wrote the song “Reflections”.

The entire night seemed quite serene. There was a full moon that worked its way across the lake until it was finally right in front of me. It was huge and bright, and it appeared to be looking right at me with this big goofy smile. I even looked up at one point and said “what are you looking at?” At that moment I finally went to the source of guidance I always go to when I just can’t seem to find an answer; I looked up and said “what should I do?” “I accept whatever you’ve decided for me, but I don’t know what to do. Even if I wanted to see a doctor, it’s been so long, I wouldn’t know which one to see… what should I do?”

The next day I received an email from the most unlikely of people; my ex-wife. She wanted to inform me that we had a new family doctor and attached all his contact information. She even went on to say that he was a real nice guy and how much she liked him. That should have been enough of a sign in itself, but I just considered it a coincidence. The following day I received a letter from the very same doctor indicating I was a candidate for a colonoscopy. The envelope also included a contact form with information on why I should have the procedure done, and how I can arrange a test. I actually laughed out loud and said “ok, ok, I get it”; I went ahead and made the appointment.

To be continued…