FACING THE DRAGON

I knew this day was coming
She’s called out for me
Familiar with her winning record
Her ruthless history

Gathered my faithful legion
Shared with them the news
My destiny now written
A challenge I can’t refuse

This is my fight and I’ll go alone
A journey only I should ride
They mounted their horses, ignored my words
Refused to leave my side
I said go home
I’m begging you all… go home

There’s no need to be here
It’s my soul she haunts
Asking them to keep their distance
It’s only me she wants

Screaming…

My God you fools, I’ve no idea
What this demon has in store
I was ready to face her by myself
But there’s more here than before

This is my fight and I’ll go alone
A journey only I should ride
They mounted their horses, ignored my words
Refused to leave my side
… They won’t go home
I begged them all once more… they won’t go home

She’s in sight, I draw my sword
The battle’s about to begin
I cannot blink, I cannot falter
Knowing only one can win

Both land blows below the surface
She just laughs as we catch our breath
The rest watch feeling powerless
Anticipating death

… Then she said go home

We’ll finish this another day… go home
Leave before I change my mind… go home

Too tired to ask why
Too weak to even try
Thankful now I’m not alone
Help me up my friends
…. I’m going home

Everyone handles adversity in life differently; in my case I prefer to be alone so I can think things through and determine how I’m going to manage it. I don’t spend a lot of time worrying about why adversity happens; I’d rather utilize my energy determining how I can fix it. So when I knew my health was in jeopardy I never once asked why, I just spent a lot of time trying to decide what I was going to do about it. As someone who believes heavily in fate, I’ve always assumed adversity was a just part of it and a way of testing our faith, character, and resolve; I seldom question it. For the most part fate has always been kind to me, so even though things were starting to look bleak, I had no reason to doubt it.

I started preparing for every possible outcome before I sought medical advice. My first step was to visit Dr. Google who suggested a whole assortment of possibilities. I concluded through my own diagnosis that the worst case scenario would be terminal cancer, and the best case scenario would be some sort of condition that I could manage through a special diet or supplements. I tried a few suggestions hoping to narrow down the possibilities, but it was becoming more and more evident that this was no simple ailment; it was time to prepare for the worst.

I finally went through a series of tests and scans which were expedited based on my symptoms. The most conclusive one being a colonoscopy which indicated I had a large tumor in my rectum. The physician came to me with the news immediately after the procedure and seemed somewhat taken back by my reaction. I showed very little emotion and really wasn’t all that upset or surprised. I had spent so much time preparing for the moment; in my mind he was just confirming what I had already suspected. He was a very nice and compassionate man who appeared more upset about the finding than I was; I suppose it was because he knew the long road that was ahead for me. He commented on how calm and rational I was and said he’d let me know if my tumor was cancerous after further testing. The same gentleman took the time to personally call me about a week later with the diagnosis; I had stage-three colorectal cancer.

Through the entire process of tests, scans, appointments, consultations, and information sessions, I kept my illness to myself. I didn’t want to worry anyone or jump to conclusions until it was absolutely necessary. I even asked my surgeon how long I could go before anyone would notice. I had planned on keeping my secret until just before my operation, which was still about four months away. He just looked at me and said “I’m not even going to validate that question with an answer; you need to tell your family”. I thanked him for his advice, but I was still determined to keep my condition quiet. My decision was altered when I got home that night and received a text message from a friend of mine, who also happened to be a nurse. I was somewhat surprised as I hadn’t heard from her in quite a while. Her message said that she just happen to be thinking of me and asked how I was doing. I can’t recall my exact response, but I thought it was to the effect of “I’m fine, how are you?”… apparently not. She immediately called me and asked what was going on.

I’m not exactly sure what made her contact me that day or how she knew there was something wrong, but I found myself telling her everything. I’m also uncertain if it was what she said or the sincere and heartfelt way she said it, but I couldn’t argue with her uncanny timing, rationale, or experience; she convinced me to tell some of my loved ones what was happening. Even though I managed to keep the news of my condition within a small circle of family members and close friends, I was grateful for the overwhelming support I received. As someone who thought I could tackle just about anything on my own, I was about to learn that this was one battle I could use a little help with.

To be continued….