The coast is clear
We’re in the air
Hours past
We’re almost there
A sudden jolt
Picture if you dare… heading straight for the ground

Panic sets in
I hear the screams
Strangers unite
Or so it seams
The end is near
Never in my dreams… could I imagine such a chilling sound

Tell me, are you afraid?
No I’m just fine
Why don’t you fear death?
The choice is not mine
Any questions
Am I out of time… what will become of me?

Bodies everywhere
Some spirits seem amused
Some just stare
Lost and confused… everything’s happening so fast

Thoughts of loved ones
They’ll never see again
No more feelings
No more pain… realizing their time has past

Tell me, are you afraid?
No I’m just fine
Do you want to stay?
Is the choice really mine?
Any questions
Where will I spend my time… what will become of me?

Heaven turned to hell
I can’t stay here
Demons gather
But I have no fear… an angel is holding my hand

I need some answers
But we’re out of time
This dream is over
Was it a sign… everything is going as planned?

Do you have any doubts?
Tell me…  are you afraid?
No, oh no… no no no; don’t worry about me
… I’m just fine

All through my cancer treatment and recovery I was so concerned with the present that I never really gave much thought to the future. Everything up to certain point was reacting, enduring, and tolerating, giving me little time to think about picking up where I left off before I got sick. I started to give it some thought as I entered the last stage of my recovery, which was healing from the ileostomy reversal surgery. I was told it would likely be about two to three months with the possibility of up to a year; in my mind that meant six weeks. Whenever I’ve been challenged with a timeline to get something done, I’ve always managed to beat it. The problem was… this wasn’t a deadline I could control.

As the months dragged on and my recovery stalled, I began to question if I’d ever fully heal and what quality of life I’d have; I became very frustrated and discouraged. Most days I felt like a prisoner in my own home as I couldn’t leave for more than half an hour for fear of having a bowel movement in public. With little control or reaction time I even tried adult incontinence underwear, but they only gave me some security in knowing I could contain the problem if necessary. I kept reminding myself that there were so many worse off than I was, but it actually began to make me feel worse. Knowing I was losing my patience and passion for life when others everywhere were enduring much more, left me with an overwhelming sense of guilt and selfishness.

I remember praying at night that I wouldn’t wake up in the morning, and being extremely disappointed when I did. I ended every prayer with “I trust your judgement; I leave my life in your hands”. I wasn’t about to mess with God’s will, but it certainly didn’t mean I had to like it; if this was my new life I really didn’t want it. I wasn’t proud of how I was handling things at all; feeling weak, petty, and ashamed. I thought; if this was a test I was failing miserably, but I was so frustrated and just wanted it over with. Strangely enough, throughout my whole battle with cancer I had no fear of death, but living was starting to scare the heck out of me.

The song “I’m Just Fine” came after a dream I had that was so vivid and felt so real that it only took me minutes to write after I woke up. In my dream I was airborne in a jet full of travellers, when suddenly we began to descend rapidly. People started to scream and panic, but I remained undaunted and never even flinched. There was a small boy and his mother sitting beside me; she was clutching the boy with a blank fearful stare while he cried in her arms, scared and confused of what was happening. I calmly reached over and put my hand over the little boy’s hand and said “don’t be afraid, it’ll be over soon”.

Next thing I was sitting on a hill looking down at the wreckage. There were people scattered all around it, which I assumed were the spirits of the passengers. Some just sat there, some walked around confused, muttering to themselves while some laughed nervously, shocked by what just happened. I actually remember feeling sorry for them as most had no idea they were deceased. A woman quietly sat down beside me and asked if I was afraid; I said “No”. She said “Are you not afraid of death?” Again, I replied “No”. She said “We have to get out of here, it’s about to get ugly”… and it did. Suddenly the sky darkened and one by one the spirits were quickly escorted away; some still confused, some screaming frantically.

I was now in a big empty waiting room where everything was bright and white, even the chairs. The same woman sat down beside me and asked if I knew where I was, I said “Not really”. She smiled as if she didn’t believe me and asked if I had any questions, but before I could answer she asked me once again if I was afraid; I said “No, I’m fine”. She then asked if I wanted to stay; I looked at her for a moment and said “Do I have a choice?” she just smiled. I began to think of a few questions I wanted to ask, but as soon as I went to speak; I woke up. I immediately closed my eyes and tried desperately to go back to sleep so I could try and talk to her again. I had so many questions, but the dream was over.

To be continued….

PS: I think about that dream often, wondering about its timing and what exactly it meant. I would certainly welcome any thoughts or opinions on its meaning from anyone willing to take the time to share them with me.