Ryan 1987 – 2015

It’s such a quiet Christmas
Missing a familiar voice
Opinions most misunderstood
Complicated by choice

A little boy who hated change
Watching reindeer play their games
Relating to the one left out
As others called him names

Snow falling all around
There’s something in the air
Lights glimmer across the lake
I just stand and stare

I think of a life so far from perfect
The mind of a perfectionist
Tormented by an imperfect world
Struggling to exist

Such a quiet Christmas
I guess they’ll never be the same
There’s silence as a candle flickers
About to lose its flame

I think of the little boy I knew
Hiding within a man
A brilliant strategist
Living life without a plan

Oh Lord please be patient
Judge only the size of his heart
Tell him that he’s missed dearly
Grant him a new start

I think about him often
See him everywhere I go
Love him more than ever
That’s something he should know

Such a quiet Christmas
The stars are especially bright
Such a lonely feeling
Such a silent night

The past few years have admittedly been the most challenging of my life. Battling cancer and dealing with the deaths of my father, a brother, an uncle, and my son in such a short period of time, has left me feeling tired and disheartened. For someone who prides himself on being strong spiritually and resolute, I never envisioned a series of events that would cause me to examine my faith and trust in fate so intensely.

Growing up in an area renowned for its high cancer rate, I regrettably became accustomed to the diseases’ affect, so there was nothing surprising about the toll it placed on me and my family. However, one incident I was not prepared for was the sudden death of my son Ryan; who sadly took his own life earlier this year. Even as I write these words I can hear his voice asking me not to share his story, passionately asserting that what he struggled from was not mental illness; rather a moment of irreversible indiscretion. Ryan had a brilliant mind, but would occasionally do or say something totally contradictory to his intelligence; only to feel bad about it later. Unfortunately this was one action he couldn’t negate, nor could he change the pain and heartache he left behind. Not to confuse mental illness with a lack of intelligence of course, but knowing Ryan as well as I do; I’m sure he’s feeling terrible about the whole incident now.

When we think of mental illness we often choose to ignore the fact that it can exist within our own inner circle. Whether it’s because we’re looking for “crazy” or we view mental illness as a weakness, it just seemed to be someone else’s disease. Much like cancer, I believe there is some in all of us, and we need to recognize and treat the illness if it begins to take control. The signs are always there, but only after it’s affected someone close to us do we begin to notice and acknowledge the symptoms as real; in hindsight they appear so distressingly clear. You immediately think of all the things you should have or could have done, but the unfortunate reality in Ryan’s case, is that the answers were so much clearer once they became irrelevant.

Having stated that, I not sure what I could have said to change his mind. Ryan was far from perfect, but ironically he was a perfectionist… unfortunately we live in an imperfect world. He hated things out of place, policies and rules that didn’t make sense, politicians (though he majored in Political Science), greed, and the world’s class imbalance; none of which were about to change anytime soon. He became more and more frustrated with the seemingly irrelevance of his education and the lack of opportunities. He struggled with where he fit in as well, his future, and his purpose in life. The saddest part was he really wasn’t alone in his thinking, as I believe many of us struggle with the same issues.

In an article “There’s Nothing Selfish About Suicide”, a suicide survivor talks about how her decision was made out of desperation, hopelessness, isolation, and loneliness. She said “the black hole that is clinical depression is all-consuming”. She felt like a burden to her loved ones, like there was no way out, feeling trapped and isolated. As the parent of a suicide fatality, I can only say that you should never allow someone you love to think of themselves’ as a burden, and you should do everything possible to make them feel otherwise. I hope and pray Ryan never felt like a burden, but my heart is saying he likely did. In another article “Talk Therapy Substantially Reduces Suicide Risk”, a study emphasized that  “You should talk to someone,” could be the five most important words you’ll ever say to a loved one who is depressed and thinking of suicide; reducing the probability by 25%.

Ryan had a big heart and everything he had seen and experienced seemed to impact him more than most. I remember taking him to a ball game once and all he could talk about was the homeless person we passed on the way in. He was a vegetarian for many years and I always believed his transformation began the minute he realized meat actually came from animals. Some religious sects believe suicide is the gateway to hell, but how could any God turn away such a kind and caring soul. Ryan’s lack of spirituality only emphasized his mental torment and desperation, as he would have believed his death was final. I often wonder what the last few moments of his life must have been like, and how difficult a decision it must have been to end it. The God I know and trust would give him a big hug, put his mind at ease, remove his mental anguish, and welcome him into his home.

As Christmas approaches and there’s a feeling of good times and cheer, keep in mind that it is also the time of year when the feelings of depression and loneliness are high as well. According to the World Health Organization (WHO), someone around the world commits suicide every 40 seconds. In 2012 it was the second leading cause of death among 15-29 year olds globally. I was fortunate to have a great relationship with my son and I think about him every day. I’m really not sure if asking him to talk to someone, or telling him I could relate to his struggles would have changed things; but I certainly would have tried if there was even the slightest chance it could. Please take a moment to hug, talk to, and take care of the ones you love… I pray your Christmas never becomes too quiet.